Life happens and so does death

I'm sorry I have been MIA. My website host deleted my site and I have gone back to the old host, but did lose a blog that I had posted about a year ago. That was just before the worst day of my life.

It is weird but I think you may understand that the day your worst nightmare happens is also the day that you no longer feel the fear of it anymore. How does that day feel so terrible and yet in some way a relief knowing you don't have the weight and worry on your shoulders anymore? It feels so terrible even thinking this because I would never have wished to lose my son, just so I would have less to worry about.

With so many of our loved ones dealing with serious mental illness, we also know that a very large percentage are concurrently dealing with addiction. My beautiful boy was not an exception. He struggled and yet I honestly can say that if I was dealing with what he had been dealing with on a daily basis, I would have been self-medicating as well.

The day I received the phone call, he had been found dead in his apartment from an overdose I felt everything but guilt. Unlike when finding out he had schizophrenia when I felt intense guilt, this time I knew I had done everything I could for him. I had just helped him get off the drugs, but I had no illusions that it was that easy. I knew there would be relapses as there had been in the past, and I knew that any time could be the last. Every day he left my house I knew could be the last time I saw him, and I had to accept that fact.

Although I know it was not his intention to die, I also know he didn't care, because we had talked about it. We talked about everything and I knew what he did, and he knew that I loved him no matter what. Just the way he was. Just a reminder, to hug your loved one and let them know you love them.