Two steps forward, one step back

One of the things I learned early on was never say "Things are going well." It was always the precursor to a backward turn. I guess I have become a bit superstitious about this because it just always happened. If I catch myself thinking "Oh wow he is doing so well" I immediately feel like I just jinxed him.

When he first got sick we felt like we were walking on eggshells because small things would trigger him and he would leave. He liked to go for long walks when he wasn't doing well, but that was super scary for us because we knew that he believed that he would someday end up living on the streets. The streets and homelessness end up a reality for so many of those who are severely mentally ill, often with the added complication of addiction, and we didn't want to risk being one of the statistics of parents having no idea where their kids are.

We were meeting many other parents of kids with schizophrenia and it was evident that the use of drugs was very high. Almost everyone said that their child was heavily using marijuana when they became ill. The problem of course is what came first, the drug use, or the need to self-medicate. We know that marijuana does not cause schizophrenia, but it certainly adds to brain trauma and can make it quite worse and perhaps even be the trigger to the first psychotic episode. For some, it does help quiet the mind, but unfortunately can also interfere with the anti-psychotic medications being used. What scared us was that our child trusted the drug dealers more than the doctors. He didn't believe the doctors knew what they were doing. It seems so absurd and yet the nature of the illness is that they often don't make sense, as well as they often don't even believe they are ill.

For us, the marijuana soon didn't do enough and so we moved on to dealing with hard and scary street drugs and addiction. All of these contribute to a brain that will take longer to heal and perhaps never heal as well as it might have. It also doubles the stigma you deal with. If having a legitimate severe mental illness isn't enough now you are also an addict. Neither looks good on a job, apartment application, or dating app.

As a parent, you can only sit back and watch as they seem to build walls and barriers around themselves that no one else would want to find their way through. So many have lost friends, even best friends because of erratic behaviour and the change that makes them no longer the person we all knew and loved. Add on a good dose of depression and life sometimes seems so futile for them, and yet, we live with hope that healing will occur, and life will be joyful again. Some days are amazing, and some are not. This is reality for us and so many others right now. I urge you to focus on the positive and believe that miracles can happen. Sometimes they require hard work but they are worth the effort.