What's in a diagnosis?

When we first started seeing a psychiatrist and talking to the case worker, they said that they don’t like to give a diagnosis for a year or two. This is because a Schizophrenia diagnosis requires that there is no change to the illness for 6 months or more. So what you get is “undiagnosed psychosis”. For some people this is a relief and gives them time to adapt to what their reality might be. Because of the stigma that comes with a Schizophrenia diagnosis there are a lot of people who just don’t want it. The reality is that whether diagnosed or not the treatment is the same. You still have to figure out what will quiet the voices and delusions.

I on the other hand I wanted the diagnosis, whatever is was, because once I know what I am dealing with, then I will deal with it. The unknown for me, the wondering, is what I don’t deal with well. The more I read about it and got more educated, the more I was pretty sure that it was Schizophrenia and yet I felt a little in limbo until they confirmed it. That doesn’t mean that another health professional won’t say they disagree or have their own opinion, but we are the ones who have traveled this whole journey and we agree and trust the diagnosis.

For many getting a diagnosis of Schizophrenia is almost like a death sentence. There are still a lot of unknowns and a reality that there is no cure. I can’t imagine dealing with a diagnosis like that without having a support system to cling to. It is a very long road and longer for some more so than others. But regardless while you are in the midst of the fear and the unknown, you feel like it has been and will be forever. You can’t see past it. Every small “light at the end of the tunnel” becomes a cruel joke when you slip back into darkness. You may feel less and less hope, but you MUST keep hoping.

For me, it was a relief to a certain degree to finally know what all the odd behaviour was about. That sense of how could I not even know my own son, was alleviated because I knew that it was the illness not him. When I looked at him, I saw his face, but he wasn’t in there. It is a cruel circumstance to lose you child and yet they are standing right in front of you. It is like a living death, and all you want is for all this pain on their face, the fear and hate to be gone. It is understandable that those with Schizophrenia are 20 times more likely to commit suicide. It is a scary statistic for family to know and you feel like you are competing against the clock trying to resolve this as much as you can.

Once diagnosed you realize that life will never really be the same again. I’m his mom and always will be and every time he walks in the room I look at his eyes and assess whether he is feeling okay, too depressed, hearing something that isn’t there, or feeling alone. My life is now about keeping him well. Sometimes there are periods when I am not really worried, but then his hood goes up and he isn’t smiling and my heart tightens up and I start being very aware of every breath I take.

Now that we have found meds that work, he is back. Maybe not fully, but I have my son again. I still watch him very closely and always will be for now, I will take it. A few moments of peace and “hoping” it continues.